Looking for a mormon man

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This is an archived article that was published on sltrib. It is provided only for personal research purposes and may not be reprinted. To many Americans, religious or not, chastity before marriage is a quaint tradition at best and emotionally damaging at worst. After all, more than 90 percent of men and women, according to Guttmacher Institute surveys during the past 50 years, have reported engaging in premarital sex. And the older a single person becomes, many people believe, the more ridiculous it seems to forgo physical intimacy. That's the perspective of Mormon poet Nicole Hardy, who, in a New York Times essay last month, described her decision to the rest of the modern world.

Hardy, who declined to be interviewed until her forthcoming book is out, had reached a point in her mids at which she believed it no longer was worth holding out. Though she credited her church for giving her family stability and joy, those were not enough for the Seattle writer to remain chaste. They argued about her reasoning. They said she misunderstood Mormon principles.

Others told their own stories and empathized with her complaints. There are millions ofunmarried Mormons; some say up to a third of the faith's adult U. For a religion that makes marriage and family central to a person's eternal potential, that can be tough. Though Mormon men also are expected to be abstinent before marriage, the challenges facing LDS women seem particularly difficult. The church tends to align with a more traditional culture, in which men typically are seen as the deciders and women patiently wait to be asked. Frances Johnson, an unmarried twentysomething writer in Washington, D.

Sex isn't the doorway to adulthood that makes you the type of person you want to become, she says. There is something adolescent about the LDS singles culture, Johnson says, and that could be because those members often are isolated in their own congregations and sometimes act as if they still are in college or high school, even if they are in their 30s and 40s. For Chris J. What troubles Chris, who lives in Arlington, Va.

Anna not her real name stepped away from the LDS Church for a time and had a romantic relationship that included physical intimacy. She later returned to the fold and is preparing to marry in the Salt Lake Temple. He pd she had remained chaste.

Anna, a year-old Salt Lake City therapist, supports the church's stance and is at peace about her past experience and excited about her current path. She sees some LDS singles who struggle with the sorrow of being alone, while others are able to reinvest their energy into professional and personal projects and relationships. She laments what she sees as the church's sometimes overgeneralized and theological approach to singles, failing to acknowledge the grief and loneliness they endure trying to live LDS standards. Marybeth Raynes, a Salt Lake City psychologist and sex therapist, says any institution with clear behavior boundaries is going to be difficult for "outliers," those who do not follow all the rules.

Such a dynamic can lead to a "split life" for such people, who may choose to give up either their sexuality or their spirituality. Many single Mormon women do not necessarily crave sex as they age, so much as they long for companionship and the ability to fit in their faith community, she says.

They may be better than men at forming close ties with other women, creating support networks for themselves. But can a person be healthy and celibate? It depends, Raynes says, on how you define healthy. Raynes maintains many women come to a good sense of themselves and their bodies and stay active in the LDS Church. That requires a willingness to grow up, no matter their circumstances. Mormon physician Stephen Lamb applauds the LDS Church's "stern but compassionate approach" and blames modern society for equating sex with maturity. In fact, the Salt Lake City gynecologist says, many who choose sex without marriage feel disappointment, a loss of self-esteem and a decline in spirituality as well as the possibility of sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy.

Lamb doesn't see a difference between young and old singles and doesn't recommend experimenting with touching. The emotions and impulses associated with any sexual activity are too powerful to consider that a realistic option. Pam McClure married at 23, had two children and was divorced by The Salt Lake City mental-health professional had only a high-school diploma at the time, so she went back to school and eventually earned a master's degree in counseling.

She stayed in her Mormon ward so her children would be surrounded by families. It was lonely, she recalls, and also awkward being a divorced woman in her congregation. You miss the partnership. Most members were kind, but a few made insensitive remarks.

Now that her children are grown, she would like to be involved in a singles ward but has aged out, since the upper limit is 45 years old. Naturally, she yearns for the physical intimacy she lost. Some LDS singles have relationships that "push the [sexual] limits" set by the church, but personally she feels that would not take her where she wants to go emotionally or spiritually. It will only bring more heartache. Instead of doing that, McClure and others advise, Mormon leaders should listen to their single members and find some way to empathize with their frustrations.

Tom Perry, Russell M. Nelson, Dallin H. Oaks and Richard G. It might be nice for singles to hear what the apostles' experience felt like though many members secretly were trying to line them up with one of their relatives. Some LDS sermons and articles in the En, the church's official magazine, McClure says, "could be more helpful, beneficial and compassionate.

They are "very aware of the many challenges facing singles, and love and value these members just as they love and value all members," Purdy says. The spokesman acknowledges that "this love and support are not always shown the way they should be" and says any insensitivity is "unacceptable. Many, many single Latter-day Saints "live happy, fulfilled lives and contribute greatly to the church," Purdy says.

Johnson, the D. Johnson wishes LDS leaders simply would address the same topics they preach to everyone. Teach us correct principles, she implores, and let us govern ourselves. A central purpose of these activities is to help young single adults find marriage partners and prepare to marry in the temple and raise righteous families. Source: Handbook 2: Administering the Church. Legal Notices Obituaries Jobs Homes.

Pam McClure. Credit: Frances Johnson. Clearly, it struck an LDS nerve. Young and restless. Return to celibacy. Approaching the forbidden. Lonely feeling like the only. Mormon dilemma. LDS Church reaches out to singles.

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