Added: Lydell Spires - Date: 26.03.2022 14:26 - Views: 25762 - Clicks: 4975
The emotional role of the parent is built on love, affection, and esteem. But your role as a parent is not just emotional. And your child is not your friend. Indeed, much of the parenting role is functional. For an infant, that means feeding, changing diapers, bathing, and generally providing for the child. For an eight-year-old, it means ensuring homework gets done. And for a fifteen-year-old, it means setting and enforcing a responsible curfew. Understand that if a mother loves her child emotionally but neglects the functional role, that child is at risk of not maturing into a responsible adult.
Indeed, emotional and functional parenting roles go hand in hand. You need both. Parents also need to understand that the amount of emotional versus functional requirements changes over time. As gets older, the parent needs to take on more of a functional role and less of an emotional one because the goal for older kids is to prepare them to live without you. A parent may want to feel emotionally attached to their older child, but at the same time, the parent must do functional things that the child may not like.
For example, parents need to set limits with their child, and your child may dislike you and may resist you when you set limits. Do you have an emotional relationship with your child? But if you try to be friends with your child, it comes at the cost of your authority, and it undermines your role as a parent. I think parents often make the mistake of making their child their confidant. They want to share with the child how they feel about their grandmother, for example.
Or how they feel about their neighbor. Or how they feel about their teacher. Or a fifty-year-old. Or a thirty-year-old. If parents think teachers are in error, they should keep that to themselves and their peers and deal with the school directly. Be careful what you say to your child about it. Instead, say:. But I had to follow the rules.
Or when he disrespects you. When you make your child your confidant, you are saying that you and the child are co-decision makers. But you and your child are not co-decision makers in any realistic way. Kids can offer you their opinion. They can tell you what they like and dislike.
But certain decisions—especially important ones—have to be made by you, the parent. At the end of the day, kids need to understand that the family acts as a unit, and the adults are responsible for the decisions. I think you can share some things with without turning him into a confidant. But you have to be careful. It makes him anxious about something over which he has no control.
Kids have enough fear and anxiety of their own to deal with. Instead, use your spouse or an adult friend. So I think that you need to be a parent to your child and be loving, caring, and responsible. But find your confidants elsewhere. The truth is, children and adults have quite different notions about what they need to do. They have different notions about right and wrong. And they have different priorities. And if you try to make it a friendship, it causes unnecessary conflict and angst. Parents will often overcompensate for problems they remember in their own childhood. Likewise, if you were raised in an overly strict household, you may be overly lenient with your child.
This overcompensating is referred to as reaction formation by psychologists. And that may have harmful unintended consequences. He may not respect your authority as a result. He may not even want you as a friend. The goal of adolescence is for kids to separate from their parents. In psychology, we call this individuation.
Individuation refers to the process through which a person achieves a sense of individuality separate from the identities of others. Individuation is healthy. It means your teen child will want to have a life separate from you. And, as a result, she may not want to share her life with you the way that she did in the past. Understand that your child needs to separate from you to become independent. People who fail to individuate from their parents end up with emotional and social problems.
Many parents see this individuation happening in their adolescent children and feel abandoned by their child. They feel a remarkable sense of loss, and they often compensate for it by blaming the child. You can say:. Then you need to learn how to respond differently to your child. For instance, if you and your child have been talking about what a jerk a particular teacher is for weeks and the child brings it up again then say to your child:. The problem is that the complaints may be valid to some degree.
And now the kid can see it. I want to make an important point for you here. In the end, you can be friendly with your child. But not at the expense of being their parent. The key is to have a responsible relationship with your child. Related Content: Grandparents and Parents Disagreeing?
Having had severe behavioral problems himself as , he was inspired to focus on behavioral management professionally. Together with his wife, Janet Lehman, he developed an approach to managing children and teens that challenges them to solve their own problems without hiding behind disrespectful, obnoxious or abusive behavior. Empowering Parents now brings this insightful and impactful program directly to homes around the globe. You must log in to leave a comment. Don't have an ? Create one for free! My ex husband and I seperate approx 2 yrs ago.
I allowed our son 13 yrs old at the time to live with his father during the weekdays because he said he loved his school so much. Every aspect of our sons life is a complete argument and my ex seldoms follows court orders. About a 1. Our son is now at his 4th school program since our seperation and is on truancy status. My ex works a weekly job from 3am until about 6pm. Then has persuade his dream by becoming a personal trainer and also doing nutrition for others online. He also travels outside of the country at least once a month for a week or so for business.
I just fought to get first right of refusal but my ex continues to ask for my son to stay at his home regardless how many times I ask him not too. Recently I recieved text conversations between our son and my ex regarding school and they were both speaking horrible to one another. I am recovering from ptsd from my exs abuse, mostly verbal and mental.
I recently made it clear to my son that he will not speak down to me or question my rules. Im seriously considering on trying for full custody which I know my son will hate me for because he would rather have no rules. Im struggling with this decision simply because Im afraid to cause my son more trauma. The end of our marriage was not at all remotely normal or pleasant. Is there some sort of compromise between friend and authoritarian parent?
My husband is very much struggling to parent his teenage daughter. His parents were immigrants and he grew up in a very traditional family and kids did exactly what their parents said. He's not from a culture where fathers show a lot of affection to their children. His interaction with his daughter had always been based on school and praising her for her accomplishments. Now his daughter is suffering from severe mental illness. She's failing all of her classes again this year, she refuses to do chores.
There's been no way to motivate her to do better, she doesn't care. She won't be able to continue at her high school unless her grades and behavior improve, but both have only gotten worse since that ultimatum. When her dad gets home every evening, he always goes over all the s with problems reported by teachers with her, the list of all the homework she hasn't done, and a long list of other things she won't do.
It's the same every single night. The lists just keep getting longer and longer. She doesn't have a single friend, and her therapist has been stressing building a support team of people to help her, but she absolutely hates me. I'm the one she directs all of her anger at so I'm the last person who can help. I don't know if my husband could ever change into a "friend parent", but at least then she would have one friend.
Please let us know if you have additional. At the same time, I have done what this article says NOT to do - I have parented in a way I wish my parents had done with me, in that I have listened to him more, and I have tried to be impartial when he has had a problem with an authority figure sometimes his opinion has won me over, other times I've told him "suck it up, life is not always fair.Single mom bff
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